Home Made Green Beans

I fed Littlest some of the green beans I made with J and A last weekend in my handy dandy Babycook. He ate them all up...and had a little left over on his face. While I was feeding him I couldn't believe that we started out counting his food intake in cc's, getting so excited when he was up to four and then six and then eight. And now he is eating solids. It wasn't that I didn't think he would make it to this point, but when he was in the hospital I wouldn't let myself look forward. We've come a long way baby. And I've really enjoyed the ride.

My New Fondness for Homeschooling

I watched American Teen last night - yes, again with the documentaries - and have now decided on homeschooling Cornbread. Yep, ain't no way in hell I'm sending him out into that. I can't be spending my days driving up to school to kick some kid's ass for making my baby cry. By god I would do it! I had forgotten how bad high school can be. It brought back memories of heartbreaking first loves and the brutal bitchyness of teenage girls. I graduated with a class of 63 and that could be bad enough at times, I can't imagine hundreds. I imagined Cornbread as the lonely, acne ridden teen just looking for his "sock mate". What if he isn't cool? What if he is shy? What if he is lonely? What if someone makes fun of him?! No, no, I can't even think about it. He will be funny and talented and all the ladies will love him - LL Cool LJ - Ladies Love Cool Littlest J. And if they don't Momma Said To Knock You Out will have a whooole new meaning. I mean his pants will eventaully fit right? He won't have to wear them like this forever. If so...I'll be over at the speed bag, gettin' ready to knock a kid flat on their tiny ass.

Workin' 9 to 5...or 7:30 to 6:30

I think I've seen Cornbread (that's my new nickname for Littlest J) about 30 minutes in the last two days. That make-uh me sad. I'm too tired to go into the anxiety that causes me.

I mean, who wouldn't miss that face?*

*Note: I've struggled with posting pictures of Cornbread. Obviously I've gotten over it. But hear this...if you somehow accidentally stumble across my blog whilst on your way to another site(I mean who are we kidding, that's probably the only way someone would read this)and you become ensnared in Cornbread's net of cuteness and feel an overwhelming need to track us down over the interweb, come to our house and hurt him I will rain down on you like a hell beast and you will wish you were never born. I'm just sayin' is all.

Motherhood

Holy...shit - B and I watched the documentary Dear Zachary two nights ago and I think both of us are still trying to get over it. Seriously. The entire next day I couldn't shake it. I woke up thinking about it. The story was gut wrenching but the way it was told was so genuine and honest and beautiful it made the horrible truth bearable. Anybody would be moved, you'd have to be made of stone not to be, but since a child was involved all we could do was see our Littlest J's face and think of the pain we would feel if we lost him. What that disgusting woman did to her child shook me to my core. It literally made me sick. I sobbed for the loss of the Bagbys, the double loss. Watch it if you want to know more, but dear god trust me when I say prepare to be overcome.

Then,tonight, one of my best friends told me she couldn't have children.

Yes, these two things are related.

Both made me think about motherhood and what it really is, what it means. I've come to the conclusion that it has nothing to do with the actual act of carrying and birthing a child.

I think we are mothers becuase we love our children. Because we care for them and want them to be happy and healthy and successful, because we would lay down our lives for theirs. I don't think we love our children because they have our features or lived in our stomachs(some longer than others)or have our family name. We love them because they are the purest form of life. The most untouched, newly formed people, full of possibility.

I want my friend to know that her inability to have children doesn't mean she can't be a mother. It doesn't make her less of a woman. It doesn't change anything about her.

I know that there is a child somewhere, either already on this earth now or waiting in the wings until she is ready, that is hers, ready for her to come and give it the life it deserves, that only she could give.

Biological or not her child will benefit from her strength, her positivity, her sense of humor, her huge fucking brain that knows about religions and psychology and poets and books and TV, dear god the never ending knowledge about the television, not the box itself, but what plays on it - our other best friend as we like to call it. The child will roll its eyes at her dramatic renditions of show tunes and laugh at the stories I share about the times we spent together and that damn sock on a hanger.

What that child would know for certain is that it is loved. That it has a mother. An excellent mother who couldn't or wouldn't be any better because she had suffered through morning sickness or had swollen feet for a few months.

I understand her frustration at how unfair it is that she, someone who wants a child and understands how precious it is, can't have one but so many undeserving people spit kids out every day. I used to feel the same way about the pregnant women I would pass in the hospital parking garage on my way to the NICU - big fat cigarettes hanging out of their mouths, completely unaware of how lucky they are that they were blessed with not only a healthy pregnancy, but the ability to become pregnant in the first place. I think as women we always assume we will have the choice to have children should we want them and that it will go off without a hitch. That isn't always the case and it sucks, but it doesn't make us failures, it doesn't make us freaks. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

So to my friend I say take your time to grieve your loss, process the big pile of shit that was handed to you today, then start on the journey to find your child. The one who will call you mom.

End of the Year Review

Since the New Year has been rung in with great ferver, in pajamas, through half opened eyes on the couch I wanted to sit down for a moment and reflect on a few of the things I've learned in the last 10 months. I know a year is made up of 12 months, not 10, but I don't really remember a thing about the months before I found out I was pregnant with Littlest J. Soooo, here we go:

1. Reruns of Cold Case come on at 3 a.m. here...and it can be pretty scary when you're in the dark with only a wee little newborn to protect you
2. Snap/Velcro bibs before throwing them in the wash - that way they won't get all tangled or lose their velcroieness by getting stuck to ever other piece of clothing in your washer
3. That being said, Snap onesies before drying them - that way you won't spend a freaking hour trying to dislodge it from your dryer where it has become wedged in some horrible, ungodly way
4. Keep plenty of pregnancy tests on hand - nothing is more frightening then thinking you are pregnant, right after you had a baby
5. Don't hold your spit-up addicted baby in the morning whilst dressed in work clothes
6. Doesn't matter if it is off the "schedule" the minute that little baybay shows signs of being tired, plop them down for a nap
7. My husband, my friends and my family are the best anyone could ever dream of having - nothing tests that quite like a little pinch of hospital bed rest and a dash of premature baby
8. The prices are pretty much the same at Target and Babies R' Us. Oh and you wanna go to the Babies R' Us in Rivergate NOT the Nolensville Rd. one. Trust me.
9. Getting back into your pre-pregnancy jeans feels pret-tee damn nice
10. Baby smile - best thing in the world - ever - hands down
11. Holy crap I swear my friend Jessie could be a pediatrician - she seriously knows everything about having a baby - and she's always right
12. RSV season sucks ass - it's like your sweet little baby is under house arrest - I can't wait until May
13. Being a working mom and a stay at home dad isn't as great and easy as we thought it would be - there is something to be said for "traditional" rolls in a marriage, but we make it work damnit
14. Babies really do sleep better in their own crib, not shoe horned in between you and your husband
15. Video baby monitor - must have - l-o-v-e love it
16. You have to find a good pediatrician that you trust and we have an amazing one
17. I don't ever want to have a baby anywhere other than Baptist Hospital here in Nashville - I'm serious, I don't care where I live when I get pregant again - I'm coming back to Baptist to have it
18. Regardless of what I thought before I was pregnant or swore while I was pregnant being a mother changes you completely
19. I love my son more every day
20. I have not come to terms with the fact that one day he will be a grown man - Yes, mom, now I know why you say I will always be your baby

None of these things are new realizations, I'm sure any mom could list the same things, but they have been my life for the last almost year, my new life, my favorite phase of life, the best part of my life - no offense Brad, our wedding was pretty awesome too - but I know you would agree - and you had just a little something to do with it.

Happy New Year!!